Past and Future

This morning I was thinking about my past and future. Not long term, just the immediate spans before and after now.

On the way to school I suddenly started thinking about NS. I think it was because we didn't have PE yesterday, and the fact that the Napfa results are going to be submitted to Mindef very soon, that got me thinking about it. Now, whenever I talk about the army, people expect me to launch into a barrage of angry attacks. They think I dislike the army so much because of the host of reasons I usually offer: It's a bloody waste of time, the regimentation sucks, I have no national pride, etc. That's only part of the story. My antagonism towards the army is only the corollary of something deeper. It is my fear.

I fear entering the army. It's a deep, primal fear that guts my system and sends my heart rate up. I avoid thinking about the army not because I can't stand it but because I'm afraid of it. Why? Because of everything it represents. Entering the army is a new environment. But it's different from any new environment. It is so fearful to me because it represents a new environment where I am completely cut off from everything I hold familiar and true. In the army, I am forced to rely upon the very thing that has never been my forte. My physical strength.

I am an academic, honestly speaking and without ego. I am an academic in that studying is my strength. Logical, rational debate is my weapon. Never in my life have I ever come close to possessing the physical strength or menace to actually pummel someone. But it has never mattered that much, save during the annual Napfa, because I have always relied on academic strength to get by. In the army however, my situation will be entirely different. For two whole years, I will be forced to constantly rely upon my physicality to survive. That scares the shit out of me because sometimes I honestly wonder if I can take all the physical training, the regimentation and the inane orders. I actually wonder if I'll physically survive BMT. I will be shuffled into a company of people I have never known, and what frightens me is that they might all be ah bengs or jocks conversing in hokkien, mandarin, every language except the one I use. There will be bullying and sabotage and teasing and embarrasment because the entire atmosphere of the army centres around brute strength, something I lack. For once in my life I will be close to helpless.

I will be stuck in an environment of constant machochism and male camaraderie. Now, I'm all for guy bonding, but when the bonding becomes all gritty and grimy and sweaty and involves soccer, something I hear army guys do very often, I freak out. Give me a library or a classroom or something that actually requires mental strength, and I'll bond all you want. There's something crass about male bonding that repells me if it involves nothing but physical puns.

So there, an early morning horror story to brighten my day. The reason I get pissed off by the SAF is because I fear entering it. For two years my mind will rot away, doing absolutely nothing mental. Even during the lectures that I hear they have they will be about assembling new ways to murder people. I wonder how many fresh faced conscripts that pass those gates each year consider the fact that they are being trained to kill. I wonder how many wives and girlfriends, no matter how proud they get on National Day as the parade marches past, consider the fact that their men are now skilled butchers.

Oh well, I guess if you can't fight them, join them. No doubt wise sages will soon enlighten me with the positive aspects of NS. The toughened body (of course), the stamina, discpline, perserverance. But having a bright outlook doesn't mean my fear will be any less.


The Past.

During Econs lecture today I chuckled to myself because I realised God has a sense of humour. One week from now will be the school's annual dance concert, Rapture, the next biggest thing on the college social calendar after Grad Night. Last year, around this time, I was in an emotional whirlwind. I think my companions through the lecture got me thinking about this again.

I shall enjoy Rapture much more this time round. Last year I sat through it with a pounding heart, my nerves on end. The smiles after were forced. My exit was as quick as possible.

Not long after I had a long sms conversation with a certain someone.

It was at this point in my thoughts that I realised, how ironically, that one year on, I sat between both of them, at ease and in peace.

God has a sense of humour, and it's at these moments that I thank Him for it.

Bring me through all my storms on eagles' wings, Father. Keep me in perfect peace.